If you’re anything like me, you probably couldn’t help but scoff just a little bit when you first read the title of Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People. You may have thought, “How to win friends? I don’t need a book on how to make friends. I can do that myself.” True, you’re probably doing just fine on your own, but the purpose of this book isn’t really to help social outcasts find friends; it’s about dealing with people tactfully and trying to see things from the other person’s point of view. This simple principle can help you a lot in everyday life, and Carnegie gives many examples where this technique succeeds impressively where selfishness, yelling and threatening would have failed.
Fundamental Techniques in Handling People
How To Win Friends is split into four parts. The first part is a lesson in the fundamental techniques in handling people. One of the strongest suggestions here is “Don’t criticize, condemn or complain.” The author points out that criticism only motivates people to justify themselves and it often arouses resentment in return. Have you ever had a boss who was constantly pointing out your faults? Did that make you want to do good work for him or did it make you wish you had a different job? After reading this book, you can be sure that when I have kids, I’ll think twice before scolding them when they misbehave. Instead of criticizing our friends, family and co-workers every chance we get, we should heartily praise them each time we notice something good. It will make them feel better about themselves, about us, and it will probably give them more powerful motivation to do for us what we want.
Six Ways to Make People Like You
Do you like people who constantly talk about themselves? Do you like people who don’t pay attention to the things you say and interrupt you when you talk? I know I don’t. But I find that if someone shows genuine interest in the things I say or do, I usually like the person, even the person him or herself isn’t all that interesting. Many of the ideas in the second part of the book—Six Ways to Make People Like You—are centered around that idea. Before reading this book I considered myself a poor conversationalist. I still do, but I think I’ve improved visibly. When I’m at a party and the person I’m talking to says they’re majoring in turf management, I don’t think, “Oh, cutting grass. Boring.” I ask what exactly is involved in turf management, what can be done with a turf management degree, and so on. I’ve found that it’s a lot more fun to try to come up with questions about a seemingly uninteresting topic than it is to try to steer the conversation in a different direction, while both of you are sitting in silence in the meantime. A couple other principles on how to make people like you are so simple and obvious—like “smile” and “remember people’s names”—but it’s sad how often these simple acts are neglected.
How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking
“If you argue and rankle and contradict, you may achieve a victory sometimes; but it will be an empty victory because you will never get your opponent’s good will.” Ben Franklin said that. True, you might feel good if your logic conquers someone else’s faulty reasoning, but will they like you more after you’ve defeated them? Will it make them more eager to please you in the future? When I think about arguments I’ve lost, I can remember that I usually had a good deal of resentment for the victor. I usually thought I was still right, and there’s apparently a saying about that:
A man convinced against his will
Is of the same opinion still.
You can probably see the point I’m trying to convey: don’t argue. Don’t come right out and say to the other person, “You’re wrong.” That will only get resentment. Instead, start the discussion in a friendly way. If you’re wrong about something, admit it quickly and emphatically. Use the Socratic method and ask questions the other person has to answer with a “yes.” Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers. Try to see things from the other person’s point of view. These are just some of the brilliant principles on how to win people over to your way of thinking. The best part is that none of these things generate resentment.
Be a Leader: How to Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment
The fourth chapter explains how to be a good leader. I can see that its principles are certainly valuable, but to be honest they just didn’t carry as much weight with me as the ideas in the first three parts. Perhaps they seem alien to me because I don’t often find myself in a leadership position. However, I’ll make an effort to apply these techniques alongside all the other ones because I know ol’ Dale wouldn’t steer me wrong, and hey, maybe if I start acting like a leader, I’ll become one. (Which reminds me, I need you to clean out my car.)
If someone asked me which of the first three parts of this book were the best, I would say “all of them.” The truths stated throughout the book are so simple, so self-evident and so obvious that it’s astounding how often we overlook the sum of those facts. If you’re fine with the way all parts of your life are going, that’s amazing. But if you wouldn’t mind having people like and respect you a little more, and if you’d like to get your way more of the time, why not take a couple days to read How to Win Friends and Influence People?